My mother told me to never tell a lie

i admit it. This election is consuming me. It is four in the morning and i'm up reading political editorials and playing my regular cut and paste game. i wish i could be cynical enough not to care. That would at least free up approximately two hours a day that i spend reading news reports and watching Democracy Now! Also, that would most likely squelch the feeling of impending doom lodged in the pit of my stomach at the thought of a McCain/Palin presidency. This should not be new to me. i thought i was going to rip my hair out (the little amount i'm holding onto) when Bush was re-elected for his second term.

i seemed to have survived that. i can think of a number of other human lives that literally have not survived his second term. Some of old age. Some of "collateral damage" and the like.

It's not that i think Obama is the ideal candidate. i do like him a lot better than i ever liked Kerry. Today, while listening to my audio CD of The Audacity of Hope, i felt like Obama was my friend. i don't ever want to feel that again. That is a bad road to go down, full of blindness and an inability to properly criticize and object to inevitable policy blunders. Plus, politics are simply semiotics, right? You are always voting for the abstract idea of a person. The rags to riches charismatic candidate versus the maverick. Change versus change (now they really have me confused. i understand dealing with one change candidate, but two!)

But, i must divulge, an Obama/Biden ticket does give me some hope. It gives me hope that i might get health care (something that has been a little bit out of our 11,000 dollar a year income). It gives me hope that more attention will be given to our severely flawed social services. i understand that Obama will have to maneuver through a corporate-owned system, which will be highly regulated by the Democratic Party monster, but maybe he can make some changes, right? Bush made some. Can't we make changes for good too? Perhaps.

i wish i could have substantive hope. i wish political slogans and propaganda worked on me. That could free me of my incessant desire for "facts." i think i'll probably live if McCain is elected. i don't think it will be easy. In fact, i can't help but think that it will royally suck (insert preferred suckable thing here). i did sit through a Hannity rally. i also sat through a Cheney commencement speech at BYU and felt completely disenfranchised from my religious culture. The crowd did cheer louder for Cheney than President Hinckley. That was pretty repulsive. Then again, a couple hours isn't really comparable to four years, is it? And, of course, there is the whole war thing. Oh, and the fact that i can't think of anything in the Republican platform that i agree with. Don't blame me, it's not my fault. It's not that i want to disagree with everything. i even think that's a bit narrow-minded. Maybe it is due to life experiences, an engrained worldview, or my type of education. What am i expected to do when, in my heart and mind, i disagree with the Republican conception of economy, social issues, values, the war, guns, political tactics, energy, etc?

One incentive of McCain winning: i think that The Daily Show will be funnier. i'm sure Obama will provide sufficient absurdity from time to time as well, but it won't be the same. Downside of him winning: Umm, refer to previous paragraphs.

To clarify, i absolutely think Obama will make a slew of mistakes if he is elected. i'm excited for the possibility of new mistakes. Even a change of mistakes will suffice. Also, won't it be nice to have a President that can speak English well again? i guess that's the elitist in me, but i do appreciate a slick sentence here and there. If they contain truth and substance, that is an obvious bonus, but not completely a prerequisite for my aural pleasure. Okay, i'm babbling. i'm done.

i could move to Thailand, but let's be honest, they have their own problems.

Umm... me.

i've been tagged by El, so i can't help but oblige. Here it goes (no word limit):

What is missing from my life? :: The clarity to know what i'm missing
Will I find love? :: i have.
Will I become rich? :: i can fathom becoming rich or living the greater portion of my life poor. i suppose it's a matter of chance.
Does someone have a crush on me? :: i often think people do. Probably not true :)
What is my favorite sexual position? :: i don't discriminate.
Am I good looking? :: Sure. i always think i was a more handsome teenager though. My wife disagrees.
What makes me the most happy? :: Truly feeling alive.
What is my biggest regret? :: Oh my. Umm... where do i start? :) Breaking hearts.
How will I die? :: Unexpectedly?
Do I act my age? :: i usually act younger than my age or like an old man, depending on the time of day.
What type of tattoo should I get? :: i want to tattoo "And what shall i love if not the enigma?" on my upper back.
What is my spirit animal? :: Since i experienced the Navajo medicine wheel, a deer.
Do I like pain? :: No, but i recognize its benefits. My constant migraines have humbled me many a time.
Is there anyone else like me out there? :: Not sure. i'd love some advice from them.
Do I love to party? :: i enjoy get-togethers. Does that count? Above 15-20 becomes a bit much for me. i like hosting parties though.
Where should I move to? :: A big city in the states, Europe, or back to Asia.
Am I secretly gay? :: No, but i have wondered before.
Will I ever be president? :: A more appropriate question would be: Would i ever want to be President? No.
What is fun for me? :: Movie watching, day-dreaming, talking, politics (strangely), and other stuff.
Will I ever learn to fly? :: i wish. i can't even fly in my dreams.
What is my super power? :: i'm super sensitive to vibes.
What can I do to move on? :: Accept the inevitability of past, present, and future mistakes and regrets. Also, keep a child's curiosity.

to carry on the tradition, i tag: andrew, jolyn, jack, and dave.

StumbleTube July 12th

Zombie Dance

[Photo credit: Daniel Hollister -- www.danielhollister.com]

i've been kinda feeling like a zombie lately. Not really like this one above, but more of a complacent, mindless, depressed, lazy one. i'm ready for it to pass. What do you do to shake off the zombie blues?

i'm going to be a journalist! until tomorrow or so.

i watched All The President's Men last night. Loved it. Made me want to be a journalist. It also made me sad that a huge story like that could very well break today and be brushed under the rug tomorrow. Remember Florida? Now we joke about it (even Gore joked about it last night)? He stole the election (studio audience roars into laughter --- one distinct laugh heard in the back, perhaps the same prominent laugh from The Cosby Show or the countless press conferences about the war)! This happens to me every time i watch a movie that enthralls me --- i want to be the characters in the movie. Films become a series of potential lives for me to choose from. And, of course, in my reality, i can somehow workout whatever life i ultimately settle on. Of course, i never settle because i continue watching movies. I'm blown about by every wind of plot and interesting existence. Through this, i suppose, remnants of my actual self surface, but with dreams and longings attached. Sneakers made me think about being a guy who breaks into banks and other high security places to test their security with a team of experts. i figured this suited me. It goes on and on.

seasons (incarnations)

maybe i'll do this again some time, going back a bit further...

i think this is what my friends mean...

pic from DaDa photoshoot

for those who don't know, that's me on the right...

5 pet peeves

1. Dubbed movies (maybe with the exception of old kung-fu flicks --- although i'd still prefer subtitles)
2. Being sick when the weather is nice
3. Holes in my socks (especially when it's just the big toe)
4. Chewing with mouth open
5. Busy work

what r some of yours?

guaranteed to possibly entertain!

i ate a poem and it became part of my body

Click on image to enlarge...

Review of My Film, Wrestling With God

Here's a review of my film Wrestling With God that I co-directed with my wife Marissa and close friend, Andrew James. The film review is by BYU professor Gideon Burton, who teaches a course entitled 'Mormons and Film' at BYU. As soon as the film is mastered, I'll post it on this site.

...

[This is part 3 of my responses to the 2008 LDS Film Festival, cross posted from my blog at http://gideonburton.typepad.com]

"Wrestling with God" is one of the reasons I go to a film festival. This 22-minute "conversational drama" was not your typical movie, and I applaud its three producers and three actors for having the guts to do something completely outside the mold but inside the heart of Mormonism. (Pictured here is one of the actors, Niki Nielsen). As the producers/directors explained it afterwards, the origin of the film was a deep conversation they'd had about what it means to live the Mormon faith. Someone had the presence of mind to make a recording of this (which was then transcribed into a draft of the screenplay). Whoa! All I can say is that I'd love to have these people over to chat at my house!

This film is what I would call an intellectual-spiritual feast. A sort of Mormon My Dinner with Andre, this film is not for those seeking spectacle (or even a simple plot). It's a conversation--how boring! But it certainly was not so for anyone who takes seriously not just Mormonism but the paradoxes that Mormons live within--especially obedience and agency. One man took the role of the faithful member, another, the role of an insistent but respectful doubter. The woman played something of a mediator. One of the very interesting discussion points was the issue of "cafeteria Mormonism": to what extent does our personal agency in living gospel principles become a pick-and-choose dodge from real commitment?

What might have been an overly cerebral discussion--approximating those more-heat-than-light discussions that can happen in some academic settings regarding Mormonism--was rescued by the intervention of two very timely personal anecdotes recounted by the first (orthodox) man and at the end by the woman. When pushed by the nonbeliever/fence sitter, the more orthodox man (who was bearded, adding a nice irony in playing against type) told a story (based on real events) about a miraculous intervention that saved a family member's life after an accident. One can argue inconsitencies or problems with the Mormon faith, culture, or church, but such potent experiences tend to confirm spiritual realities that trump doubts.

The second story, told by the female character at the film's close, provided a beautiful allegory that (beautifully) went uninterpreted. A baby at church in the almost-walking stage leaves his bench and ventures down the aisle, only to trip and nearly bang his head. But rescued in time by a perceptive member sitting on the aisle, the baby grows bold again to take another step, and then proceeds to make the same stumble-and-rescue progress down the aisle, aided by the members along the way. That sat really well with me. Not only is this a metaphor for mortality and the fall, but it invokes the way God's grace is woven into our lives through the timely interventions of our neighbors in the faith. We sometimes don't even realize how many "saints along the aisles" have guided our steps and redeemed our missteps as we bumble onward.

There was a simple piety to this conversation which rescued it from being a show-off piece for brainy Mormons. A believing sensibility undergirded it, and I went away edified. Thanks to Beachfire Pictures and to Andrew James, Torben Bernhard, and Marissa Bernhard for giving some substance to the festival in a surprising and effective manner. Could this be the launch of a new sub-genre of Mormon film? I only hope their imitators will do as well as these trailblazers.

Una Vida Mejor Accepted Into Cinequest Film Festival

We found out earlier this week that Una Vida Mejor (A Better Life) was accepted into Cinequest film festival, which according to Variety magazine is one of the top ten film festivals in North America. Also, according to The Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide, its considered one of the top ten festivals in the world. We are all extremely excited and plan on making the trip to San Jose to market the film. I couldn't be happier. The project has been wonderful to be involved in. The director, Andrew James, has become a close friend of mine. Here is a synopsis of the film from the Beachfire Pictures website:

The U.S. government has mandated the construction of a 2,000- mile long wall along the U.S.-Mexico border and many Americans sport bumper stickers on their vehicles with slogans like, “Welcome to America, now go home.”

Una Vida Mejor (A Better Life) follows three families, each participating in the American experience, and each searching for their own version of the American dream. Two of the families have crossed the Mexican border illegally, and entered the United States in the midst of this social and political unrest.

The story opens with Javier and Maria crossing the border illegally with their young daughter. The crossing is a frightful and uncertain experience. After crossing, Javier finds work at a farm and things slowly improve for him and his family.

Omar and Sofia are a young couple with two children who have also immigrated illegally to the United States. Omar struggles to provide for his family. His inability to find a job leads to tension in his marriage and he reluctantly agrees to participate in a robbery in an attempt to relieve his financial burdens.

The target of the robbery is a young married couple, Sam and Nancy. Sam is a social worker and Nancy works the graveyard shift as a nurse.

Two worlds collide when the simple robbery planned by Omar and his accomplice goes awry. What ensues is a dynamic series of life-altering events, fueled by cultural misunderstanding and prejudice. As the drama unfolds, the individual humanity behind the stark statistics and political rhetoric of the immigration issue is revealed and we find that the border between “right” and “wrong” is hopelessly blurred.

Una Vida Mejor

Here is the first trailer for the film that Marissa and I worked on as editing supervisors, associate producers, and boom operators. The film has been submitted to thirteen film festivals so far. Check it out!

Rejected Again

So, once again, I didn't get in :( I'm not sure exactly what they are looking for. I feel like everyone tells me they like my stuff, but whenever I've tried to get published (only three times so far. I guess I have ten or seventeen more times before I'll give up. Well, I probably won't until I really believe that I suck) I get turned down. I think I'm good. But, then again, Horace said that friends and family make bad critics :) With that said, I feel like my family and friends are all pretty honest. Anyhow, I'm trying (successfully or unsuccessfully) not to let this get me down. I did think I was a sure bet this year. However, this has instilled a desire in me to self-publish a book of poems. I've thought about writing a poem each day, starting today, and seeing all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, I experienced within a month. Here is the one I wrote today:

Sometimes, I would rather punch you
Than have you read my poem
Communication can be so difficult

Tea and Language

It's about 2:30 in the morning right now. Can't sleep. I'm drinking mint tea and thinking about language. Actually, I've been thinking about language non-stop for the last month or so. I'm in a class right now called "Language, most dangerous of possessions." To perpetuate my obsessions further, I also created a language blog called languagescraps with eight other guys. The blog has been great at bringing up a myriad of topics to get us thinking about language. I'm happy it's been so successful... it's one of the few blogs I've created that has been. Of course, my blogs are always broad, making it difficult for readers to get in to. Mint tea is good. I should start a tea party club.

Submissions to English Journal

I entered some poems for submission in an English journal on campus today. This will be my third time. I have never got anything in. I feel a little more anxious this time, mainly because I didn't turn anything of real worth in the last two times, so I didn't really care when they didn't get in. I keep reminding myself how subjective the whole process is, and that how a group of college students feel about my writing doesn't necessarily say anything about my ability. Nonetheless, it feels good to feel validated. I'll probably put a little book together for Christmas regardless. Here are some of the poems I submitted this time around:

Untitled

Saddam and a rope
hollow symbols
we try to strangle ideas
but pull up
an empty
noose

Punctuate

I wish I could punc,tu;ate my thoughts
Give myself a br;eak;
From madness

Nature

I'm sick of seeking inspiration in nature
I want to seek inspiration in my own nature
Find the valleys within me
Climb the mountains in my chest
Dig out truth from the corners
Of a being less known

Ode To The Beat

I never felt patriotic until I discovered the beat --
My hips possessed, gyrating to its rhythm
The melody could have birthed in my spirit
Fireworks and tired independence celebrations fail to move me --
Nauseated by insincere flag waving and shallow ribbons
Traditions of the past feel awkward
But the beat --
Driving my mind into the center of Miles' trumpet
Climbing out at the end of the 'I have a dream' speech
With enough time to hitchhike with Kerouac to a road of perceived freedom
Speeding on countless highways with jazz and intermissions of crappy rock n' roll blaring
Finding beauty in the grime
Discovering truth in the overlooked crevices of existence
Revealing --
An American spirit; raw and unique in form.

Sometimes I believe this. Sometimes I couldn't believe it less.