Life Fragment - 2001

06.11.01 --- eighteen years old --- Orem, UT

Last night was a very interesting night. i came to a realization that has taken me almost six years to come to. It all started when when my thoughts took over my mind in the dark dreariness of my great-grandmother Ganny's old living quarters. i kept picturing her coming to me, surrounded by wedding dresses. Not that this would necessarily be bad, but there's something about the dead that spooks the shit out of me. i think that's pretty reasonable. The intensity was so strong, i still don't know now if i was sleeping or not. i felt like i was going to go in a nervous breakdown mind state. i seriously did, especially with my fragileness lately. At this time, i realized that i truly have no control of my thoughts. Just like a crazy person. i was so scared because it felt like i was being forced to think these things. Like, an outside force was involved. Sick, malicious things popped in and out of my head like sharp pins. i started crying --- something i haven't done for years; or at least admit to it. i guess my natural instincts took over. i got on my knees crying and prayed to God. i asked him to please help me, to rid myself of the devil that has been torturing me for years. i told him i was coming to him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. i repented for the first time in my whole life. And even greater... completely meant it. Every bit of it. i repented of smoking weed since i was twelve, for drinking in excess, and muting my thoughts with substances. i was sobbing. i told him i would never smoke or drink again in my life and begged for his help to give me control of my thoughts --- to rid the blasphemy. i told him i wanted to be a good man and that i'm ready for change. i followed this with "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen." i stopped crying. The most peaceful feeling set in my heart. i'm saying a feeling i could never articulate. A feeling i've never had in my entire eighteen years of living. i know now that God truly exists. i feel like crying just from the joy i found. i know that he comforted me, just like i know satan thrived on my mind for years. Depression to insanity and vanity. i know a new love and the best thing of it all is that this is in no way bullshit. i will never smoke or drink again. i know this. Because of the comfort he showed me, i owe him. And i love drinking, i truly do. But i now have found something i cherish. Intelect and science aside. i know what i felt last night. So, tonight, i once again kneeled while Erik was in the shower. i simply said thank you and re-affirmed my longing for purity. i want this in writing, so i can call myself a hypocrite if i ever go back with stupidity.

{i then signed my name under three statements: "i will never smoke again", "i will never drink again," and "if temptation comes, i will read this and remember the comfort."}

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i've always heard "the Lord works in mysterious ways." i always smirked and said "yeah....sure." Well, i hate to say i'm wrong, but it tis so. This will open a whole new chapter in my life.