Life Fragment - Jan. 7, 2001

i guess saying it's been a while since i've written would be an understatement. Yet, when you're captured in everyday materialistic and worldly nonsense, it's easy to neglect the pen. Which, in a sense, is my dissecting point because the pen was always my psychiatrist. i've been so secretive my entire life. i don't know the driving force behind it, but it's definitely a fact. i remember my first weeks at Pineville. People perceived me as so strange because of this little book. i carried it around as a vice --- a vice for coping with my alter-ego depression side. The ridicculous "Kurt, you're nothing" rants and raves. It's not quite like that anymore. It's been two years since i drove down the highway with my dad. A year relationship with Karma and a life of indulgencies. A year of experience, learning, truth, lies, and all around life!

i'm writing this in the basement of my aunt's house in Utah --- my new living quarters. i've just came back from k-zoo where it couldn't have been more mediocre. Crack, cocaine, blah, blah, blah! i can't believe kids these days :)

But none of it surprises me. i was in quite a manic despressive sickness up there. Sick as ever. But, on to happiness. It's Kalamazoo that does it. i was always happy after adjustment in Louisiana. But dreary days get to ya. i was so confused. Must've been the weather. i'm half by-polar, half strange. The important thing is that i feel good now. i won't let sadness consume me like i have in the past many times. A lot of my sadness was directly linked to mind-altering substances, and i'm planning on being clean now. So, i guess i won't worry. Why should i? i can directly link depression to the time i started smoking weed. Yeah, it seems all gravy at the time, but so did New Kids on the Block to twelve year old's in the early nineties. But we all have room for flexibility and change so, like the infamous words of the late night West Main Shell employee, "Why not?" Time has changed me. Not drastically to the point that i wear Marilyn Manson t-shirts, but i'm definitely different. i'm a man now. And i truly believe this. Some might disagree, but that's cuz of the baby face and all.

i'm excited for my opportunities out here. i miss my mom and dad, but i need to do this to keep my life in order and around all positive influences that can gear me towards the right path. i'm not saying i'm gonna go on my mission and change my name to Peter Priesthood, but at least i can attempt to make some drastic changes and cut off any life excesses. So, anyways, i'm very excited about the future. i have a good feeling about the future, plain and simple.